Grief is a force of energy that cannot be controlled or predicted… Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love. -Elizabeth Gilbert

Courage is defined two ways. The first is the ability to do something that frightens you.

The second definition of courage is strength in the face of pain or grief.

I had to put my dog Lhamu down after being her companion for about 15 years.

Lhamu was a rescue and she had issues.

In 2007 I decided to get a dog after I returned from a month long silent retreat. Somehow on that retreat I had come to the interesting conclusion that my life wasn’t complicated enough and that I needed something to take care of. I got my wish with Lhamu. I don’t really know what Lhamu’s back story was. I only know that she was found on the street- she was homeless, matted from head to foot, and she did not trust people.

With a whole lot of care, training and trust on both of our parts, Lhamu became a very sweet therapy dog for many years. So many of my patients looked forward to Lhamu greeting them in the waiting room.

She was loyal, highly anxious and a very, very loving dog.

Last December, before the Covid pandemic, a friend of mine called me to let me know that a litter of Lhasa apso puppies had just been born to a breeder that she knew. My friend, Jen, was going to take a puppy- did I want the brother?

My husband was adamant that he did not wish to have another dog to take care of. I, as his wife, knew that if he saw the puppy that he might just change his mind. Cunning is a necessary trait for the feminine. My cunning worked, and we took little Pepe Le Pew home.

Pepe, as opposed to Lhamu, was in a healthy and safe environment until he was old enough to leave. He was not only with his litter, but also his mother and caring handlers.

Lhamu lived with tension in her body and anxiety. Pepe, on the other hand, is secure, strongly in his body and he is fiercely independent. It felt strange to not have a dog follow me everywhere as Lhamu did. Pepe could take the company of people or leave it. He was cool with his bones and chew toys.

When I had to put Lhamu down it was one the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make. It an act of courage to face atrophy and death, especially in a beloved pet.

I was not present when my brother, Phillip, actually died. He had been in hospice in another state. After visiting him in the hospital and then moving him over to hospice, I felt that, in his own way, he was telling me that he needed me to leave so that he could die; and so I did. Leaving him to die was hard for me. It was also an act kindness, to him, from me. More likely, it was an act of kindness from him to me.

I hear about how beautiful it is to be the room with someone who is dying. This isn’t always true. Lhamu didn’t breath a sweet last sigh, she gurgled- twice. The shot didn’t work and the vet had to inject something into her mouth.

I wasn’t sure if she was dead. I wanted to reverse the whole process. Was it too late to stop her death? If I did, would she be brain dead or worse? Was that worse than death? These are thoughts that humans have around death and dying. It isn’t pretty. I don’t think that it is supposed to be.

Life doesn’t usually end well like a Disney story. It can often carry much of the injustice, horror, confusion and betrayal that is found in Grimm’s fairy tales. I don’t think that we actually grow psychologically or spiritually when things are going easy. This was Lhamu’s gift to me. My life was not easy with her. But, I learned from her how to be patient how to be generous and especially how to be kind. I most definitely learned about love.

If you can take an adversity and loss and find a way to remain kind then you have done something good for yourself.

I recently read a quote from Nick Cave, who tragically lost his son, about grief. He said,

This feeling… of alertness to the inner-spirit of things — this humming — comes from a hard-earned understanding of the impermanence of things and, indeed, our own impermanence. This lesson ultimately animates and illuminates our lives. We become witnesses to the thrilling emergency of the present — a series of exquisite and burning moments, each extinguished as the next arises. These magical moments are the bright jewels of loss to which we cling.

The natural adversities and loss in life can easily make us hard and bitter. That is a choice. But, we can also allow ourselves to be softened by life and learn to flow with the rough edges that are a natural part of experiencing life actually being alive. It is brave to soften and to say YES to everything that is difficult or not going our way. To quote Zorba the Greek, God changes his appearance every second. Blessed is the man who can recognize him in all of his disguises.

Loss teaches us everything, just as love does. Are we willing to let go? Because the truth is that every hello has its goodbye. Every hello is the welcoming of life and every goodbye is way to make continual meaning of what it means to be left behind and yet to stay fully present and living within the natural catastrophe that is life. Life goes up, life goes down, but life goes on. Bravery is getting on the ride and surrendering to the up and the down. We cannot control it. There is very little that we can control. We can be brave enough to make meaning from all of it. Meaning making is our creative alchemical ability. It is our magic. I personally find the god of my understanding dwells within the disaster AND the aftermath as well as the subsequent meaning making about it. My question to you is are you willing to fully open to the paradox of living and loving knowing that those two are not, and will never be, permanent? Are you willing to be brave?

Copyright © 2020  Katharine Bainbridge MFT, All rights reserved.

The greatest thing then, in all education, is to make our nervous system our ally as opposed to our enemy. -William James

I want to tell you the truth about ’emerging.’

The first dharma book that I read was given to me by a therapist when I was 18 years old. I was a college student at New York University and I was depressed. The book was The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. I can remember walking into my next session after reading several chapters of the book and expressing my distress. I asked my therapist WHY she gave me such a depressing book. She simply smiled and said, “Why? Because you are already depressed. Why not understand the truth of the why you are depressed?” She was providing some serious existential homeopathy.

Steven Jenkinson, author and founder of The Orphan Mystery School said something shocking in a recent interview. He said, “When someone is dying, you need to let them know that you miss them.” He is saying that you need to aknowledge that you miss them before they are actually gone. He is saying that once a person is in the process of dying, you are living with death and not the person you once knew. He went on to say that if you didn’t believe him admit, at least, that you are not making love to the dying person any longer. It is no longer the person whom you made love to when they were fully alive. That person is gone and the process of dying has taken their place.

I have felt, in my private practice, that for many years, most of my patients have been expressing the distress, anger, bewilderment and anxiety of a world and culture that has seemed to be in the process of dying. Institutions have failed. The arts are no longer seen as a necessity to sanity for society. I don’t even need to bring up the death of, at least, a ‘seemingly’ stable Government.

Wolfgang Giegerich explains Jung’s understanding of these seriously problematic times in this way, “The unconscious hacks up and hollows out the shapes of our culture and it is the mother of our future.” We shall see what, if any, new forms are created for our future by her. In the meantime, while we have been in the deep quiet, have we been able to listen?

When I have emerged from Buddhist month long silent retreats, I am entering back into a world that is familiar. While the world outside of retreat feels much speedier, it is still familiar. I am now “emerging” from two or more months of quarantine and the world is anything but familiar. It is wholly different.

These changes to our society are shocking. It is like a dying person. These changes will continue to be shocking as death is shocking. Unfortunately, because of social distancing, most of us are also feeling alone in our grief. Even worse, most folks don’t even realize that they are, in fact, actually grieving.

What do we do? Polyvagal Theory was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges back around 1969. Essentially, what Dr. Porges discovered was that we have old brain survival modes such as fight, flight (sympathetic nervous system) and immobilization (dorsal vagus), but we also have a ventral vagal system that has to do with socialization and co-regulation. Most of us have experienced some aspect of the sympathetic nervous system, the dorsal vagus ( have you felt that you have NO energy and just want to sleep?), and anxiety around the disruption to our ventral vagal system. Zoom just doesn’t cut it for anyone. Computers are not connection.

To ’emerge’ from our homes and to see people wearing masks is not normal.

To not be able to touch our friends and family is not normal.

This is my concern: Our nervous systems are hearing daily about an invisible threat that we cannot fight. We, as Dr. Porges discovered, NEED social contact. We NEED touch. We NEED to see faces smiling. We NEED to see others eyes meet our own. We NEED to know that we belong. These social cues provide our nervous system with a sense of safety and wellbeing.

This past week I drove to my weekly acupuncture appointment and I felt terrified on the road as it seemed to me that everyone who was driving a car was in a state of utter dysregulation. What is dysregulation? Emotional responses that are outside of the range of what feels like safety to the nervous system; again, think fight, flight or freeze.

Driving 100 miles per hour or weaving in and out of traffic is not an act of a regulated nervous system. If the traffic is an indication of exactly what is emerging from being in quarantine, then I am deeply concerned for society and our ability to co-regulate as we emerge from, essentially, two months of isolation. I fear explosions of energy.

What I will be discussing, as far as trauma goes, for months to come will be the trauma of experiencing the death of what we have understood to be ‘normal.’

Any loss invites feelings of grief. Maybe some of these feelings have been familiar to you lately: denial (avoidance, confusion, elation, shock, fear), anger (frustration, irritation, anxiety), depression (overwhelmed, helplessness, hostility, wanting to flee), bargaining (struggling to find meaning, reaching out to others, telling one’s story), acceptance (exploring options, new plans moving into place, opening up of the imagination of a possible future), and finally, making new meaning out of the loss.

I will write more blogs in the future about this, but for today I want to talk about ways of feeling connected without touch.

I want you to close your eyes and remember a time of connection. Notice what happens in your body? Think of a moment that you felt safe and whole. Take a moment with this. Notice what is occurring in your body.

Listen to music that helps you to feel connected to a group of like minded people. Usually, this is music that we might have listened to in high school or college when our social network was quite elaborate.

If you have a pet, this is a way of regulating the ventral vagal system. Pets have a funny way of “seeing us.”

Cooking food that you enjoy is another way of feeling connected.

Creativity in any form produces a feeling of connection.

Meditation also produces a sense of connection as does time spent in nature.

If you are feeling very lonely, imagine seeing yourself from a bird’s eye view. Pan out and see your house, your town, your state, your country , and finally the earth itself. Notice your body. When you are ready, come back the same way that you went out. Come back to yourself knowing that you are connected to everyone else who shares this planet and who is also experiencing this loss.

I recently purchased a ukulele. I intend to learn how to play it so that when it is safe to be with others, I can play them a simple song or two. This gives me something to look forward to. In the meantime, I am learning something new and encouraging my body and brain to stretch out a bit.

My husband just told me that he heard an interview on NPR about the Hollywood Bowl. A perennial rite of summer, for those who live in Los Angeles, will be closed for the first time in 98 years. It did not close for World War II, the riots nor the recent fires. The announcer at the end said, “be sure to find something beautiful to look at today.” They then played a recording of The Doors at The Bowl in 1968 where Jim Morrison exclaimed, “LA! Are you here to hear some music?”

You are all my neighbors. I will learn to play my ukulele for you from my own heart to yours, of course, with my mask on.

Copyright © 2020  Katharine Bainbridge MFT, All rights reserved.

Redemption preserves itself in a small crack in the continuum of catastrophe. – Walter Benjamin

As we become more awake, we become less thick and more intelligent, and the mind becomes more clear, but we also become more sensitive. – ChögyamTrungpa Rinpoche

Please be gentle with yourself. I am reminding my patients that none of us have ever experienced anything like this. Keep in mind that whatever you are experiencing, the entire globe is feeling the exact same feelings. If you are tired, rest. The weight of the world is upon each of us. If you are sad, grieve. This is an enormous experience of loss. If you are terribly irritated with those closest to you, ask yourself what you are not willing to feel. If you feel like lashing out or blaming others for the pain that you are experiencing, slow down. Check out where you are holding tension in your body. Try to get outside when you can. Most importantly, don’t forget to soften. We are all in this soup together. Allow yourself to be changed exponentially. This is an opportunity. Dive deep. We are all down there with you. I promise.

Oh, do you have time

to linger

just for a little while

out of your busy

and very important day

for the goldfinches

that have gathered

in a field of thistles

for a musical battle

to see who can sing

the highest note,

or the lowest,

or the most expressive of mirth

or the most tender?

Their strong, blunt beaks

drink the air

as they strive

melodiously

not for your sake

and not for mine

and not for the sake of winning

but for their delight and gratitude-

believe us, they say,

it is a serious thing

just to be alive

on this fresh morning

in the broken world.

I beg of you,

do not walk by

without pausing

to attend this

rather ridiculous performance

it could mean something

it could mean everythng

it could mean what Rilke meant, when he wrote:

You must change your life.

Mary Oliver- Invitation.

Copyright © 2020  Katharine Bainbridge MFT, All rights reserved.

“Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it.

I am going to use all of my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.

I am not going to get angry or think badly of others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

-The Dalai Lama

Find the soft spot in your heart. In Buddhism, it is said, that it could be the size of a mustard seed, but as tender and sensitive as a pimple.

Hold that connection to that tender heart of sadness, aka bodhichitta, and contemplate the hope that all beings be well and free from suffering and disease. Imagine a light radiating out from that tender spot, filling the entire world with peace, comfort, connection and well being.

Hold the globe in your heart. 🌍 The ancient teachings of interdependence are becoming clearer than ever. Wish the planet and all sentient beings peace and healing.

Make certain, above all else, that you apply these practices to yourself. 🙏🏻

Bonus Contemplation:

My new puppy, Pepe Le Pew, has been in doggie training boarding school. Let’s learn from Pepe as he stays in his quarantine place. Watch his peaceful equanimity as things are being thrown around him, like a 24 hour news cycle. Marvel at his calm when there is running (for toilet paper) and potential panic. (Apologies for the formatting. Just click on the link below… you don’t have to press the download button, only the link to see Pepe.)

We can learn a lot from our pets right now. Also, when you are able. Please support local small businesses. Thank you Dog Training with Sue Ellen.https://www.facebook.com/pg/littledogchick/about/

Copyright © 2020  Katharine Bainbridge MFT, All rights reserved.

When I entered into Menopause, my world flipped absolutely upside down seemingly overnight.

Initially I said to myself, “I can handle this. Hot flashes are nothing other than a kind of purification.” BAH! Hot flashes are HORRIBLE!

I often thought about women who decide, ahead of time, the way that they want the birth of their child to be. Most, not all, of those women soon find out that the baby and birth have a mind of its own. The birth itself, as well as this child, will be what it it will be. This experience of ‘it will be what it will be’ is true with menopause as well. Menopause has a life and mind of its own.

Once my symptoms began to be emotional, spiritual as well as physical, I had to understand that I could not control this incredible force of nature. I had to surrender. I was giving birth to myself as a woman.

There was a very serious turning point for me when I began to feel as if my mind was like the computer Hal in 2001 A Space Odyssey. At the end of the movie, the astronaut, Dave, in order to save the ship from further disaster began to unplug Hal.

I did not recognize myself. I could not move quickly. I experienced the sharp mind that I once had begin to dissolve into mush.

I could not remember words, in fact, I couldn’t even string a full sentence together. I had to result to the “the name game” with my husband. Our conversations begin to feel like the gameshow The $20,000 Pyramid.

Then came the tears. I would burst into tears for no reason. Everything made me cry.

So, essentially, I was sweating, crying and unable to string a sentence along. Fortunately, for me, hormone replacement therapy was a solution. But, HRT was not going to take care of the entire story for me.

I’m not sure why, but I was shocked when my Naturopath explained to me that women, up until the 1950’s, were put into mental institutions for menopause.

She also told me something very interesting. She said, “Women who are in corporate America, have the most difficult time with menopause.” She explained that the compulsion to achieve is in complete contrast with the inevitable changes that occur in menopause.

For those of you who are not in this phase of life, let me be first to tell you that you life will change.

It is not only physical changes that occur. It is an ENTIRE life change. Dr. Christian Northrup is one of the only truth tellers who say that your brain is changing during menopause. Mood swings are literally your brain rewiring itself for a new reality.

You might be asking yourself, “Why is she talking about menopause when we are in a world wide pandemic?”

Why? Because I see the outer world mirroring what I have been experiencing in this enormous change happening in my own body.

And yes, this change is absolutely permanent. There is no going back.

Menopause is a time of deep reflection. Women often ask themselves, “What is really important to me? Have I nurtured myself enough? What are my priorities? What needs to change in me as earlier traumas beg for healing and forgiveness? Who and what do I want to love most? What am I willing to sacrifice? How do I move forward? This feels catastrophic.”

In the beginning, these changes are shocking. We ask ourselves, “Am I experiencing a hot flash? Is that what this is?” “How long is this really going to last?” Many women experience insomnia. Often women have the feeling of a panic attack right before a hot flash presents itself. Women experience adrenal fatigue and our metabolism, like our economy, suddenly grinds to a complete halt. There is a brand new normal. It takes some time to accept this. As all former and familiar reference points of being a woman begin to disappear one by one, a brand new and more solid sense of authenticity begins to emerge. Wisdom takes precedent over worrying too much about what others think.

There is no doubt that women understand death. We understand concrete death and we understand the necessity of the death of identity to move into another phase of life. Women becoming mothers must grieve no longer being a maiden. Mothers must grieve when their children leave home, often during the menopause phase. Although women will always carry within them being a maiden, a mother and a crone- these life transitions are experienced concretely in the body.

In menopause there is literally a PAUSE occurring. A deeply spiritual pause.

Collectively, I feel, we are in the midst of a similar and very permanent change.

How we respond to this change is what is most important.
What does this change mean moving forward? How do we accept it?

I have barely had enough time to process what is occurring regarding this pandemic. I am working from home for the foreseeable future.

As many of you know, ten years ago I worked with one of the Thirteen Indigenous Grandmothers in Nepal. Those meetings were both powerful, educational and life changing. It fundamentally altered the way that I work with the psyche.

As my own thoughts and feelings begin to emerge around this worldwide crisis I will share more on my blog. For now, what the Grandmother’s are saying mirror my own thoughts. It also mirrors what my experience has been in menopause. There is a feminine wisdom stepping into to literally make us all STOP.

As you are forced to slow down, stop and sit with yourself and loved ones, accept what is occurring. Accept that there is no going back. We are, as a globe, forever changed.

I have thought a lot about my own Polish grandmother, Stella, during this time. I thought about how she made homemade bread with her own hands. I thought about how she showed her love through her cooking. I thought about how much she loved to listen to music. I thought about her sharing coffee with me in tiny little coffee cups. Food, conversation and laughter could always be found in her home. I thought about how she had neighbors stop by just to say, “hello.” That was a very different time. Primarily, it was a very different time because it felt as if there was more time…

Message from the Council of The Thirteen Indigenous Grandmothers:

As you move through these changing times…. be easy on yourself and easy on one another. You are at the beginning of something new.  You are learning a new way of being.  

You will find that you are working less in the old yang (masculine) modes that you are used to.

You will stop working so hard at getting from point A to point B the way you have in the past, but instead, will spend more time experiencing yourself whole and your place in it.

Instead of traveling to a goal out there, you will voyage deeper into yourself.  Your mother’s grandmother knew how to do this.  Your ancestors long ago knew how to do this.  They knew the power of the feminine principle…. and because you carry their DNA within your body, this wisdom and its way of being is within you.  

Call on it.  Call it up.  Invite your ancestors in as the yang based habits and decaying Institutions on our planet begin to crumble, look up- a breeze is stirring.  Feel the sun on your wings.  Remember who we are.

Be safe and take care of each other.

Copyright © 2020  Katharine Bainbridge MFT, All rights reserved.